Dulane Upshaw Ponder of NY and Hope, Alaska died at her home in Hampton Bays last evening, June 18th. She was 70.
Dulane was born in Atlanta Georgia in October 1947 – the only child of Burke Dulane Ponder and Ruth Embry Upshaw Ponder.
After Westminster Schools in Atlanta, Dulane attended Hollins College in Roanoke, Virginia. She later studied at Brown University and Parsons School of Design in NYC. She worked for many years as a research assistant at Memorial Sloane Kettering Hospital in NYC.
Dulane was clever with words and her wit was sharp. She was talented, artistic, intelligent and funny. She had an idiosyncratic appreciation of the bizarre and a delight in the perverse. She enjoyed the out-of-the-ordinary quirks and oddities of life.
Dulane was a learner, an autodidact with curiosity about many things and admirable capacity for creative self reinvention.
She was in turns a writer, poet, artist, photographer, landscape gardener and musician. In middle age she became an outdoors woman – hiker, camper, skier, dog sledder, adventurer, Alaskan.
Dulane always loved music and most recently she taught herself to play the harmonica. “I’m a player in a blues band” she told one of her doctors. And indeed she was. It seemed that she excelled at whatever she put her mind to.
Dulane’s father and paternal grandfather were food brokers in Atlanta. That – and childhood memories of wheels of cheddar stored in the basement and smoked hams hanging from the rafters – left her with an abiding interest in food and cooking. True to her Southern roots she was very particular about barbecue and a connoisseur of the finer points of field peas. She loved a good curry!
While she remained steadfast, loving and loyal to old friends and those for whom she cared – including most particularly her life partner – she had an admirable capacity for re-invention and new friendships. That capacity was allied with a single-minded determination to succeed.
Dulane faced her cancer diagnosis and the debilitating onslaught of the disease with tremendous courage and fortitude.
So Dulane – artist, poet, hiker, wit, gardener, contrarian, humorist, dog-sledder, baby goat fan, blues-harpist, friend – Rest in Peace.
Please feel free to comment if you would like to add something to this tribute.
Or if you have a memory, a story or a photo to share you can email them to me if you would like to add them here: jholford@gmail.com
The feature image is of the lupines and weigela in her garden this June with her picture from her sophomore year in college.
Image sources:”Spinster” – Hollins College yearbooks – 1965-1969; Dulane’s Facebook page and Josie Holford.
June 22nd 2018
The Alumni Association of Westminster Schools sent me this photo of the 50th class reunion. 2015. Can you spot our Dul?
I attended Westminster the last three years of high school. I did not know Dulane well but she was always ready with a kind word and/or assistance for a newby. I will always remember her kindness to me.
Dooley was also an intrepid hiker. She named the trail that went through the wetlands off Peconic Bay and then crossed the road into the woods Surf and Turf.
a wonderful woman
thanks, Josie, for setting in motion this moving and meaningful tribute
Thank you Josie. Your tribute was very moving—
Perhaps you can add “alchemist” to your list of Dooley descriptors. I remember a summer evening in Carol’s house some 44 yrs ago when Dooley–determined to make a Chinese dinner when we were out of soy sauce—concocted a recipe that began with coke (i.e., coke-a-cola) and that looked, smelled and tasted like soy sauce. I believe cough syrup was one of the ingredients. That memorable dinner included Maxine and the Pheathers.
Thank you Pat, for directing me to this striking remembrance.
What a beautiful tribute to a great person. I attended school with Dulane from grammar school through high school, and we always had such fun. We were on the women’s basketball team at Westminster and maybe won 2 or 3 games a year. We were dreadful but had a blast anyway. I was so delighted that Dulane came to our 50th high school reunion a few years ago in Atlanta. We had time to recall the good old days and reconnect. I will always treasure that memory.
So glad to get your comment Sally. So good to hear from someone who knew her ‘back in the day’. I knew that Dulane had played basketball at Westminster – I actually found a picture of the 8th grade team somewhere on line (ain’t the intertubes grand!) – but could not recall from her conversation that she played in high school.
After years of not being in touch with the school I think she enjoyed that 50th reunion. She even mentioned it to me this March. I think she also swam, right? And on that, of course, the irony is that her house in Hampton Bays has a pool but she never went in – even on the hottest of days. “It’s too cold,” she would say even though it was heated up into the 80’s F. But that was Dul.
Thank you.
It’s a huge loss for all of us. I will miss her wit, brightness and deep love for her partner and Jett. She was a devoted lover of nature, animals and the arts
Goodbye my friend.
Thank you Josie for such a beautiful review of her life. She was extraordinary in so many ways
Thanks Joan. She was that for sure!
The first time I was introduced to Dulane was literally on grass verge outside her house in Hampton Bays. D/J and I had cycled over to see her and Max from your house. Just as I was about to say hello I fell off the bike onto the grass in front of her! We all laughed at this rather unusual introduction!
As a neighbor, Dulane was a quiet, observing presence. I was invited to one of her BBQ’s of slow-cooked ribs & grits! I most fondly remember her the day I had to put down my beloved pet boxer, Mayday. Dulane invited me to spend quiet time with her on her deck as I sorted out my loss & grief. My life is fuller because of her & I’ll miss her
Dulane always spoke fondly of you Tom. You have proved a very good and invaluable friend to these last few months.
Josie, you describe it perfectly when you write: “Dulane was clever with words and her wit was sharp. She was talented, artistic, intelligent and funny. She had an idiosyncratic appreciation of the bizarre and a delight in the perverse. She enjoyed the out-of-the-ordinary quirks and oddities of life.”
I smile thinking of Dulane’s idiosyncrasies. It was good to have known her.
Thanks Michiel. She was indeed all of that and more.
thanks so much josie for such a warm and accurate recollection for us. i was in a smoking group, actually of course a group to help us all give up the NASTY HABIT, well dooley was having none of it and flaunted all efforts to quit and she was funny and a treasure i think foe many of us, her making fun of us, helped a lot of us
to stop just to prove she was all wet
Thank you Josie for so sweetly conveying Dulane’s unique spirit and multifaceted charm. I have so many wonderful memories of my times with Dulane in Alaska. She was a natural up here in the hinterlands; fully embracing the northern life – skiing, hiking, dog mushing, but most often simply tucked into her cozy cabin in Hope by the wood stove, with a good book and a Jack Daniels. She leaves behind many folks who will miss her terribly here. Such a loyal true friend as Dulane comes rarely in life. I will treasure my time with her.
You were part of her chosen Alaskan family and she cherished all of you.
Josie,
What a touching, rich portrayal or Dooley. She was a rich human being. I loved knowing that she was a fellow southerner; we sometimes chatted about a Southern food thing, like Fried Chicken,etc. She was also a bit of an oeneophile – French preferred ; never California. At one of our meals at Villa Paul, I encouraged her to try the Refosco red that Heather and I were introduced to in Triest. Dooley loved it . Here’s a glass of the best to Dooley.
You are right about the oenophilia. I remember a Thanksgiving dinner at Leslie Allan’s in what must have been 1981when she surprised everyone at the table by correctly guessing the type of red wine with just a sip.
Thank you for writing this beautiful tribute to our Dul. I’ve been thinking about all of Dul’s extraordinary talents, broad interests and quick mind lately. Attributes I didn’t usually think of because of her quirkiness and wry humor. You reminded us of how unique Dooley was. My life is richer for having had her as a friend for forty years.